RECOGNIZE

If someone is navigating the complexities of intimate partner violence against men (IPVM), you can help him or help yourself by knowing what to look for.

Symptoms

These are the common symptoms for IPVM

  • Calls you names, insults you, puts you down, and screams at you

  • Prevents you from going to work or school or talking about work or school

  • Stops you from seeing family members or friends or coworkers

  • Alters how you spend money, where you go, or what you wear

  • Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful

  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs

  • Threatens you with violence or a weapon, or follows you around the house demanding you engage in a fight

  • Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children, or your pets

  • Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will

  • Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

Red Flags

Physically
Have you been…

  • Grabbed

  • Slapped  

  • Punched

  • Hit with an object

  • Had an object thrown at you

  • Pushed down/tripped

  • Slammed against a wall or car

  • Choked

  • Threatened with a weapon

  • Stabbed

Psychologically
Have you been…

  • Called names

  • Threatened

  • Had belongings destroyed

  • Controlled (monitored, isolated, tracked online)

  • Gaslighted–forced to question your own memory, perceptions, or sanity

Sexually
Have you been…

  • Threatened to be outed if LGBTQ+

  • Accused of being LGBTQ+ despite being in a heterosexual relationship

  • Sexually violated

  • Forced to have sex

  • Manipulated by pregnancy or pregnancy-claims in order to remain with an abuser

Financially
Have you been…

  • Forced to cover all household costs despite your partner earning an income

  • Unable to use your money for personal needs

  • Threatened with or victim of credit debt 

  • A victim of having accounts drained 

Legally
Have you been…

  • A victim of legal or administrative system issues

  • Faced with false accusations of IPV

  • Faced with false accusations of child abuse

Parentally
Have you been…

  • A victim of false stories told to your children

  • Alienated from your children

Man sits with head in hands as he thinks about intimate partner violence against men

Recognize IPVM

Here’s what might be happening if you or someone you know is experiencing IPVM:

  • Embarrassed or made fun of you in front of your friends, colleagues, or family

  • Put down, especially your accomplishments or goals

  • Made you feel like you are unable to make decisions

  • Intimidated or threatened to get you to do things

  • Told that you are nothing without him or her

  • Treated roughly - grabbed, pushed, pinched, shoved, or hit

  • Called, texted, or emailed several times a day to “check up on you” or showed up at your work, school, home, etc. to make sure that you are where you said you would be

  • Partner uses drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things, starting argument, or abusing you

  • Blamed for how she or he feels or acts

  • Pressured sexually for things you don’t want to do or forced to do sexual acts against your will

  • Made you feel like there is no way out of the relationship

  • Prevented from doing things you want, like hobbies or spending time with your coworkers, friends, and/or family

  • Tried to physically keep you from leaving the home, especially during an argument or after a fight

If you are experiencing IPVM, you might…

  • sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act

  • constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior, especially when using drugs or alcohol

  • believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself

  • feel responsible for your partner’s behavior

  • try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry

  • always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want

  • stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do or say if you broke up or how your relationship with your children will be impacted

  • In unhealthy relationships…

    Partner uses fear to control

    Partner bullies

    Partner walks on eggshells

    Partner reacts when the other raises important issues

    Partner dismisses what the other feels and needs 

    In healthy relationships…

    Partners disagree

    Partners can get angry

    Partners can feel hurt by actions or words

    Partners talk candidly and without fear

    There is an underlying trust, respect, and willingness to work together.

  • Men who are victims of IPV can often suffer from

    Mental health issues
    Physical health concerns
    Depression
    Isolation
    Low self-esteem
    Physical scars

    Broad Impacts

    IPVM survivors can struggle after altering their circumstances and over the long term.

    Men can face negative reactions when confiding in family and friends

    Men can be afraid to trust any future partners.

    Men fear being alone for the rest of their lives.

    Men can have escalated levels of mental, emotional, and self harm

    Psychological impacts

    Common effects include loss of sexual function, hopelessness, worthlessness, shame, embarrassment, self-doubt

    57.9% of men who experienced physical IPV, severe psychological IPV, and coercive control suffered rates of PTSD beyond the scale, similar to what battered women experience

    These issues become internalized by men with dramatic impacts on self-worth and loss of identity

    Reputation damage compounds psychological factors, especially as men face rumors, false allegations, and shifting public perceptions (seen as an abuser/criminal). Men can isolate, feeling that relationships with friends have been ruined or sabotaged

    Health problems

    Many survivors of IPVM experience higher rates of PTSD, depression, cardiovascular disease, and substance abuse

    Children

    If the legal system is involved, men often become more isolated.

    Chidlren can have their relationship with their father be poisoned as children are manipulated into lying, told not talk with their fathers, and not get time together.

    If a child has witnessed IPVM, men often feel humiliated or diminished respect from their children.

    The fear of losing their children to the system creates a constant fear which makes men feel trapped and forced to stay in an abusive relationship and protect the children from that abuse.

    False Allegations

    Men fear losing children based on a manipulative partner or legal system intervention.

    Men can have severe physical and mental health consequences, including depression and PTSD.

    Men often lose their children, have their employment impacted, endure reputation damage, and lose time and money fighting the claims.